22 May 2021

Bittersweet

(Originally published 12/18/10)

There aren't enough words like "bittersweet."

There aren't enough words to describe the warm sigh of longing that creeps up from the pit of your stomach and pounds like a runner's heartbeat in your chest.

There aren't enough words to describe what it feels like to feel something and not be able to express it. There aren't enough words to describe what it's like to be wordless.

There aren't enough words to describe what it feels like when all you smell is the cold, raw salt of the ocean and her shampoo because it's 9pm and she's snuck out of the house to hold your hand and you absolutely cannot bear to go home yet. Absolutely. Cannot.

There aren't enough words to describe what it feels like have I love you locked down in a cage in your throat. Presque vu doesn't work. L'espirit d'escalier might come close, when the curtains draw shut and the lights go out and the shadow crosses into night. The light under the door goes out with a click. You're alone.

There aren't enough words to say goodbye when you don't want to. That's why they drag out. That's why there's no eye contact. That's why they stand at the top of the stairs and you don't look back.

There aren't enough words to say I'm sorry I wasn't around to catch you when you fell.

There aren't enough words to describe being in a place where you can see what seems like every star, though words like "gratitude" and "awe" scratch the surface.

There aren't enough words for love letters written with no. 2 pencils and expertly folded into high school works of art and unfolded into drama that feels like it will never stop making you weak.

There aren't enough words to describe what it feels like to be on needles and pins waiting for the letter to arrive, the phone to ring, the text message to sound...or to describe the sore, sharp frustration when it's never the person who you want to hear from.

There aren't enough words to break the tension in a hospital waiting room.

There aren't enough words to make sense out of the suckerpunch that takes the wind out of you the first time you hear someone tell you they love you.

There aren't enough words when you're manic, stacking words on top of each other, struggling to keep control, clenching the wheel, gritting your teeth, and trying to avoid crossing the median into the oncoming traffic of psychosis.

Mostly though, there just aren't enough words like bittersweet. Especially for people who mean to ply their craft and trade in words.

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